Anger: Let the Tiger Out, But Keep It on a Leash

INTRODUCTION [back to Table of Contents]

I have chosen the title of this book for its symbolism. The tiger is one of the zodiac signs in Chinese astrology. In Chinese Buddhism it personifies Anger. One legend tells of a little schoolboy who had been harshly whipped by his tutor until “stripes” showed on his skin. Furious at his tutor, he ran into the woods. It was there that the boy changed into the first tiger. An untamed tiger, therefore, is considered to be a ferocious and angry creature. If you’ve ever visited the tiger cage at a zoo or watched a circus act, you may have seen a tiger show his sharp, white teeth as he growled. When we experience our own un-tamed anger and rage, we get out of control, raise our voices and yell. It’s as though sharp, white teeth of our own suddenly become exposed, much like the tiger’s. If we don’t accept our responsibility as stewards of the tiger, and its counterparts, it will become endangered. If we don’t learn how to manage our anger, we will endanger ourselves.

Anger is an intrinsic part of the range of human emotion. We connect with this part when we allow ourselves to feel angry energy within us. However, many of us have been trained to dislike, and even disown, our feelings of anger. Ignoring our anger is risky. If we fail to acknowledge these feelings, we become self-critical when our anger does get aroused. On the other hand, if we accept our anger as a valid emotion, and acknowledge that it is part of the wide range of emotion that is inherent in each one of us by virtue of being human, we enable ourselves to tap into a source of power that lies within each of us. When we recognize all the parts of ourselves, even the parts we sometimes wish we did not have, we are better able to sustain our relationships with ourselves and with others, because we enter relationships as whole persons. Wholeness provides strength. If we are strong, we can be powerful.

In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I have become aware of the pervasiveness of suppressed or explosive anger and the damaging effects anger can have when it is not expressed and managed appropriately. My intention in writing this book is to provide a framework for understanding anger and to facilitate a discussion of how we experience it throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood and within the context of typical everyday relationships with our partners, children, co-workers and other people we encounter in our daily lives. I address interpersonal dynamics and circumstances that provoke anger, and I offer a healthy way of viewing anger as well as guidance for experiencing and expressing it.

As you read, I invite you to try to recognize the ways in which your own childhood experience has affected your relationship with anger. The purpose of this view into your past is not to blame your past caregivers but rather to understand where you are coming from and to decide where you are headed and where you wish to go in terms of relating to anger.

There are no “cookie-cutter” instructions in the pages that follow, although there are anger management techniques and strategies for you to try. If you have chosen to read this book, it may be that you have tended either (1) to flee from your anger, hiding it or avoiding it at all costs for fear that it would damage your significant relationships, or (2) to fight, expressing your anger hurtfully. I encourage you to search not for ways to avoid your anger but for ways to embrace it and use it in a healthy manner. My hope is that through your reading you can begin to give yourself permission to feel your anger and to find effective, respectful ways of expressing it that match your own particular temperament.

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